Month: June 2012
My in-laws
Before I met my husband, I always prayed to God that the man I would meet and marry would be the closest thing to an orphan so I wouldn’t have to compromise on spending holidays with my family.
I know, that sounds completey selfish.
My hubs comes from a “broken home”. He has one older sister and a younger half sister.
I guess his mom struggled to be a single mom (as many do) and somewhere along the way kind of gave up on my husband in his youth.
He behaved very badly towards his eldest sister and towards his mom, which was possibly the result of not nipping some bad behaviour in the butt before it got to the level it did. That, and probably because his dad wasn’t around much after he left.
The effect was long-lasting. My husband is still a bit of an attention-seeker, and he has this need to be like and accepted by EVERYONE!
He was bounced from his mom’s to his dad’s, a place where he never felt entirely comfortable as a result of his dad starting a new family.
Ultimately he ended up running away and getting into more trouble.
Fast forward to today, my husband has abandonment issues and his relationship with his family is very strained.
His mom has her own issues going on right now that seems to have gotten worse over the years. Sadly, she’s often depressed, a trait I sometimes see in hubs.
Him and his eldest sister don’t see eye-to-eye on many things and used to argue anytime they would engage in a conversation. Now they probably have the best relationship in his family out of the rest.
After his dad refused to rent a tux for our wedding and was also the first to leave, hubs decided that he wasn’t going to do what he usually does: call his dad to ask if we can get together for a day at his house in the summer.
That year, we didn’t go visit his dad and step-mom. We weren’t invited, nor did we ask. My husband was heartbroken.
Hubs has even commented that my dad has introduced him as his SIL and there were times his own dad would not introduce him as son.
I usually try to stay neutral where his family is concerned. However, this time, I shared my observation with hubs.
He has to stop expecting his dad to participate in the relationship at a level 10 when he repeatedly participates at a five. Does that make sense?
Since having the baby, things have kind of gotten worse.
Hubs thought that us having a baby would be a way for his parents to get a second chance at being involved grandparents since they seemed to have missed the mark with my step-daughter.
Now, I’m not saying that people can’t change, but my hopes and expectations were set very low.
I was right to do so.
Since AJ was born his dad has seen the baby three times. However, in his defence, he lives almost two hours away.
The first time he and his wife stopped by because they were going to a matinee show at the theatre. They stayed for a half an hour.
The second and third times he came to the house it was at my husband’s request to help him with something around the house.
He came in, said hi to AJ, commented on how strong her grip is and then scampered off to help hubs. His goodbye was less eventful, if you can believe that.
That has been the extent of his relationship with his second grandchild.
His mom makes a greater effort, although complaining the whole time leading up to a visit.
His elder sister calls frequently to see how we are all doing and asks about my step-daughter. She also lives about two hours away.
Now juxtapose that with my family, both immediate and extended, who are practically tripping over themselves to see AJ.
It makes hubs feel like crap.
On the one hand he feels fortunate to be part of such caring family where his seems to lack, but on the other hand it reminds him of how much his family IS lacking.
The other day he mentioned something about calling his dad to arrange a visit. I tried to bite my tongue, but then hubs said something and I kind of lost it.
I prefaced what I said by apologizing if what I was about to say seemed hurtful and then went on to basically say that I find it exhausting to put on the charade that we do when we go up there. Pretending that we’re this happy blended family. Whatever!
I also said that I have no interest in dragging my child all the way behind God’s back to spend the day with people who have shown little to no interest in her existence.
Was that too much?
Hubs was silent about the subject after that. The next day he said that I was right. I apologized again and said that if he wants to go, then I will go too.
Sigh…these in-laws make my head hurt!
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